Confidential RSVP counselors are available 24/7

24/7 Emergency Support

If you need immediate medical care or are in danger, please call:

  • On Campus:  314-935-5555
  • Off-Campus:  911

In the moment emotional support, please call:

  • Provident WashU:  314-935-6666
  • SARAH Peer Counseling during the academic year: 314-935-8080

Sexual assault and harassment, stalking, and dating and relationship violence can all traumatize not only the survivor, but also their family and friends. One of the greatest hardships is not knowing how to help.

Each survivor’s reaction to sexual assault and harassment, stalking, and dating and relationship violence​ is individual, as is each survivor’s recovery. It is important to keep this in mind when thinking about how to be most helpful.

Remember that sexual assault is never the survivor’s fault

The three most important things are to LISTEN, BELIEVE and SUPPORT. Your friend may reveal some graphic information. It is important not to overreact. Believe your friend and let your friend know you do. People rarely lie about rape, sexual assault, harassment, stalking, or dating and relationship violence.
Give your friend the chance to talk about the experience and their feelings. Be thoughtful in your responses: there are some things that we can say that unintentionally convey the wrong message, and unintentionally cause the victim​​ to feel blamed for what happened.

Often survivors of sexual assault and harassment, stalking, and dating and relationship violence​ feel that their experiences are not valid because they are not “bad enough,” or do not fit stereotypical ideas of what these kinds of violence look like. 

If your friend shares with you about experiencing sexual assault and harassment, stalking, or dating and relationship violence​​, remember to validate their feelings and experience and allow your friend to express them. Remember that any of these experiences can create extreme​ fear and trauma for a survivor, and they may need your support and understanding.

Communicate to your friend that any feelings they may have are normal and understandable. Supporting a friend means validating their feelings and emotions.

WashU is here to help survivors of relationship and sexual violence

You may help your friend by assisting them in choosing options for getting support, getting medical attention, and reporting the assault.

What to do when helping​ a friend

Show interest, but do not pry or ask for specific details, which may make the survivor relive the experience. Allow your friend to be silent. You do not have to speak when they stop talking
Help your friend regain some sense of control. Support your friend in making decisions about whom to tell and how to proceed
Be careful to use language that mirrors the survivor’s language – avoid assumptions about the gender of the perpetrator. Use the same language regarding the experience that the survivor uses
​Recognize your own limitations. No one expects you to be an expert in counseling or sexual assault; therefore, avoid making strong recommendations to the survivor.
​Realize that as a friend you may need counseling to cope with the events your friend may have shared with you.

Those in a helping position may experience vicarious trauma (sometimes referred​ to as “secondary trauma.”) This is the process of change that happens because you care about other people who have been hurt, and feel committed or responsible to help them. Over time this process can lead to changes in your own psychological and physical well-being. You can seek services for yourself through a RSVP counselor or the Center for Counseling & Psychological Services (CCPS).

See additional information on how to support an LGBTQIA survivor of dating, intimate partner or domestic violence.

​Tips on what NOT to do

Avoid making decisions for the survivor. Instead, listen and then ask how you can help
Do not touch or hug your friend without permission
Avoid making judgment statements or asking judgmental questions such like the ones below, which, while meant to be helpful, can cause the survivor to have increased feelings of guilt or shame:

“Why didn’t you fight?”

“You shouldn’t have gone to their room,”

These questions and statements send the message that the survivor could have done something to avoid the attack and it is their fault
Do not express judgment about the survivor’s behavior, or imply that it is somehow their fault
Remember that nothing the survivor did or did not do is responsible for the assault
Don’t question the survivor’s actions
Freezing, submitting and/or fighting are all physiological l responses to being attacked
While anger is a natural reaction, it can be very harmful:

 Statements like “I’ll kill the person who did this to you!”

The victim needs to be the focus right now. They are seeking your support, not your anger and frustration

Anger puts the focus on the perpetrator rather than the victim and puts the victim in the place of being a caregiver, as opposed to one who is being supported.
Although going to the police might be a step in the healing process for the survivor, it must be their decision to do so:

 Avoid statements like “You should go to the police.”

Allowing them to make decisions to disclose to others or seek services will help the survivor gain back control that was taken away
”Were you drunk?” 
This sends the message the survivor is partially responsible for the attack
Intoxication does not excuse a perpetrator’s actions, nor does it make the survivor responsible for being assaulted.

Your reaction

There are some common reactions you may experience when learning someone you know has been sexually assaulted. These feelings are natural responses to a trauma.

Disbelief: Family and friends may react to the sexual assault of a loved one with shock and disbelief, especially if there are no visible signs of the attack. You may even doubt that the assault happened. This is called “denial” and it happens after a traumatic experience.

Fear: You may feel intense fear for yourself or for the survivor. You may want to protect them​ from future assault. Your concern may be reassuring soon after the assault, but too much caution on your part can make it difficult for the survivor to feel capable and in control again.

Depression: It is normal to feel sad or depressed. Sexual assault can bring up feelings of powerlessness in victims and those who love them. You may feel that your life is out of control. If depression lasts longer than a few weeks or becomes overwhelming, seek support for yourself.

Guilt: Guilt is a common reaction when a loved one has been sexually assaulted. Those closest to the survivor may blame themselves. Whatever you did or did not do, you are not to blame. It is solely the fault of the perpetrator. Instead of blaming yourself, concentrate on the positive things you can do now.

Anger: Often loved ones experience anger after a sexual assault. Your first reaction may be to seek revenge against the attacker. This is a normal feeling, but you will not help yourself or the survivor if you are hurt or in jail. Sometimes you may feel anger towards the survivor, especially if they did something you warned them not to do. If you find yourself blaming the survivor for the assault, make sure you have someone other than the survivor who can listen to your angry feelings. Remember, even if the survivor made decisions you consider in poor judgement, it is the perpetrator who is responsible.