Confidential RSVP counselors are available 24/7

24/7 Emergency Support

If you need immediate medical care or are in danger, please call:

  • On Campus:  314-935-5555
  • Off-Campus:  911

In the moment emotional support, please call:

  • Provident WashU:  314-935-6666
  • SARAH Peer Counseling during the academic year: 314-935-8080

Healthy relationships can be formed between you and your friend, you and your family members, or you and your romantic partner. A healthy relationship embraces love, trust, respect and mutual care for the people involved.

When individuals are in a healthy relationship, they feel free to be themselves and express their thoughts and opinions without fear of retaliation from their partner(s). In a healthy relationship, you will feel better about yourself and you will feel safe.

Things to keep in mind when forming a relationship

Healthy relationships are built on honesty, respect, trust and communication. Evaluate your relationship based on these building blocks
Healthy relationships take time and effort to achieve. All partners should work together to create a healthy relationship. Each person has to be willing to be open, grow and change
You are worthy of a healthy relationship that includes honesty, respect, trust and communication. You should not settle for a relationship that does not include these ingredients

Recipe for a healthy relationship

Respect: A healthy relationship embraces mutual respect and the desire to learn about the other person and their values. Respect means listening to the other person and trying to understand the other’s point of view. No one should make decisions for the other person
Honesty: In healthy relationships, partners are comfortable admitting their mistakes and can openness and understanding
Trust: When you trust, you can count on each other and be assured that the other person will be there for you. Trust is the best cure for jealousy
Communication: A strong relationship involves listening to others and really “hearing” them. Partners communicate thoughts, feelings, wishes, requests and needs. Good communication is the key to avoid misunderstandings

Understanding abusive relationships

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults.

While not physical in nature, emotional abuse includes a wide variety of destructive behaviors, such as constant criticism, financial deprivation, verbal threats, intimidation, manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. It creates scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, even though it is destructive. Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings. This is not an excuse for abusive behavior, and there are resources on campus to support both victims and abusers.

Types of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can take many forms which fall into general patterns.

Aggressing

Direct aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships.
Indirect aggressive abuse may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be used to attempt to belittle, control or demean rather than help.

Denying

Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” etc.
Withholding or “silent treatment” includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate and emotionally withdrawing as punishment.
Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from his or her own.

Minimizing

When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event, suggesting the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing occurs when the abuser suggests that what the recipient has done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.

How can you take care of yourself?

Don’t blame yourself and don’t excuse your partner’s behavior.
Refuse to be abused. Leave the area if you don’t feel safe.
Think about ending the relationship for your own health and well-being.
Think about your safety and create a plan. In case you need to get to a safe place, always carry enough money and critical items, such as identification, keys, and medications, when you are out.
Call a crisis helpline or a women’s shelter for advice.
Seek help from friends, family or your health care provider.

How can you help people you know?

Gather information about emotional abuse and the resources available. You don’t have to solve the problem, but you can provide support and information.
Recognize that emotional abuse has as much, if not more, of an impact on an individual’s overall health and well-being as physical violence.
Assure them that you believe them and that you take emotional abuse seriously.
Do not blame them or make excuses for their partner.
Ask them how you can help.
Help them to recognize their strengths and feel better about themselves.
Respect their decisions and provide support if they stay. An individual may not want or feel safe to leave a partner, even if you think that is what is best

Resources for Relationships

Sexual Assault and Rape Anonymous Helpline (S.A.R.A.H)

314-935-8080: 24/7 peer counseling resource helpline during the academic year

Offers peer counseling, resources, and referrals on rape, sexual assault, abuse, relationships and more

Completely student-run, anonymous and confidential, and is open to all members of the Washington University community.
Healthy Relationships: How do I know if my relationship is healthy?
Sexual Health information from Health Promotion
Go Ask Alice